She strode over to her, sitting under the tree weeping silently to herself.

"Hey, what's wrong with you?" she asked, curiosity taking over her mind.

"I'm crying, can't you see?" snapping at her, rubbing her eyes in frustration, a vain attempt to stop the tears from flowing.

"But, you're not supposed to," she reasoned.

"Well then here I am revealing whatever emaotions that I have inside of me. What do you have to say about that?" she cried out, hoping that somehow, some of the frustration and anger would disappear.

"But, you're not supposed to."

"I only show what others expect to see. I have to be strong. But somehow, the strength is fading away. Slowly, but surely."

"But you're not supposed to."

"I can't go on with this facade anymore! I can't live up to everyone's expecations, I can't live up to my expectations. I can't even control my emotions, my false facade. The mask is fading. I'm letting the act drop down on me now, and forever."

"But you're not supposed to," she smiled, tears running down her cheeks, "I'm absolutely sure you can do it, that you still can keep it up."

"But HOW?!" she shrieked, "How would you know the feeling of being let down by yourself? The hopelessness of it, the pain. Knowing that the firm wall you've built around yourself is not crumbling away with your resolve?"

"Because," she smiled again, but she lowered her head such that her bangs shadowed her eyes, "You remind me of someone. Someone, like me."

- got from jinghan's blog.


see the irony. the paradox. the ambivalence of it all.

because you were not supposed to.


---

i dont know why it is all happening. when i thought i've already become so numb to all those.

i have to chiong alot of stuff, alot of deadlines to meet. i cant start on anything now, now that my mind is all occupied.

everything's making me addlepated, and i'm like a little kid lost in the middle of a huge shopping centre, with everyone else jostling you, while you stand there confused and looking for your mother at the brim of tears.

i cant seem to sort out where my priorities lie. i cant seem to understand why am i thinking so much of those small little pebbles, when i have way much larger boulders to care about.

it's like really challenging to put on an all jovial face on the outside and talking crap and making people laugh, but inside everything else is scarred. everything is dark. and gloomy. but i guess, it's a matter of getting numb to it. getting numb to it all.

it's like the whole world is crashing. what's the use of my purpose here on this earth, when you feel like a total waste? a total loser? what's the use of my existence then;

i know i shouldnt be questioning all this, i shouldnt be so pessimistic. Cos He does everything for a purpose. but i dont think i have a choice or perhaps i actually do.

i'm on the verge of breaking down any moment.

please, dont ask.